Color Line

Fresh start
New day
Blue skies
What’s the date?
So much to do
Where is the time
I’m ready now
Call the color line

The color’s peach
Makes no sense
My fruit is called
Need to go
Pee in a cup
In front of whatshername
Say it isn’t so.

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Hope

Withering discontent
forcibly choose to sit in this room
Monsters, Thieves, Liars, Cheats
myself included
most of all.
These broken thoughts
irreparable
but can’t put that liquidy Devil
down my desperate throat again.
We applaud
the surrendered and the scared
newcomers that sit awkwardly
in their chairs
darty eyes
slithery sweaty skin
insides at war against the brain
feelings all too familiar
as I sit I feel their pain.
I go through the same ride
every morning noon and night.

Now the difference is
I have to trudge
against the salty tidal waves
without you by
my side
due to my deliberately
manufactured misery.
Putting myself in situations
that God tells me no.
I know it’s for the better
I know he means the best
but my thoughts go
straight to places
that send jolts to my chest.

Why is it so hard to hear you
happy?
You’re doing good, celebrating,
loving without me
I can’t control this situation, I
can’t control this pain.
It’s something i’ll have
to endure
until things make sense
in my brain.
Oh power, greater than myself,
Where are you?
I can feel you sometimes
when you seem to fill me
with your strength, but
why can’t that
last forever?
When things don’t go
my way
I want to kick and scream
until I find a way
But this time is
different.
My way will not happen
no matter how much
I scream your name
you haunt me in my
dreams
a phantom lurking
outside the window
your voice, it stirs
inside my head
summoning emotions
that give me hope again.

But the truth,
the reality is
I’m as raw as I’ve
ever been
and to hold on to hope,
is to hold on to death,
I can’t even
call you my friend.

The Rehab Means Something to Me.

The rehab means something to me. It’s a place. It’s a metaphor. It’s a turning point. It represents the point between two lines in my life that are vastly different. But I’m the same me, the same Jordan. The first line includes childhood. School. Happiness. But then destruction. The destruction led to Events and Addictions that couldn’t be turned around without drastic measures. There were many attempts. Many hopes. But many failures. The failures soon led to Hopelessness and Misery. Until rehab became the only salvageable option. The image of my grandmother keeps coming to mind. She was one of my hopes and inspirations of turning my life around. All she wanted for me was happiness, which meant sobriety and a relationship with God. So, rehab. The point that changed my life around. Made me able to stop the Destruction, especially the Self Destruction. Gave me back my hope and courage. Led me to where I am in my life now. On a Spiritual Journey, going through Personal Growth every day that I never knew could be imagineable. Now I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Hope, Faith, Courage. My Grandma must be looking down on me with tears of joy rolling down her rosy cheek, which makes me smile and tear up as well. I have so much potential. The world is at my hands and feet. I can do anything and everything as long as I can dream and imagine it then work my ass of for it. I am so blessed not only to be alive but to be well and happy and on my way to whatever I can dream of.