Somebody Else

This morning, I was driving to the gym before work like I have been each morning the past couple of weeks. The radio was on my favorite alternative rock station, 93.3. It’s usually a calm, peaceful, short drive. A song came on, and it sounded like a song from the 80’s, kind of Depeche Mode-esque. It hit a cord in me,  even though I hadn’t really listened to the lyrics yet. I “shazamed” it and listened to it on Spotify as I was working out. “Somebody Else” by The 1975.

And. It. Hit Me.

Emotions I have been trying to avoid for the last 4-5 months. Sometimes I allow them to come up to the surface. But then I tell myself that I “shouldn’t” be sad about it, and he doesn’t deserve my tears, and blah blah blah. I tell myself I’m over it. I tell myself I’m over the last one, just like I’m over the one before, and the one before that. But this song brought up the emotions of all of them. The same sense of abandonment, of hurt, of being replaced by somebody else. And as I write this, I don’t know what else to say. I’m at work, and I will not allow the emotions to get as far as letting tears out. Maybe I’m not over it. Maybe there will always be a missing piece of my heart, maybe three pieces. Three tears I’ll save for you.

So I heard you found somebody else
And at first I thought it was a lie
I took all my things that make sounds
The rest I can do without
I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else
I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don’t want your body
But I’m picturing your body with somebody else
Come on baby
This ain’t the last time that I’ll see your face
Come on baby
You said you’d find someone to take my place
I just don’t believe that you have got it in you ’cause
We are just gonna keep ‘doin’ it’ and everytime
I start to believe in anything you’re saying
I’m reminded that I should be getting over it
I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else
I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don’t want your body
But I’m picturing your body with somebody else
I don’t want your body, I don’t want your body
I don’t want your body, I don’t want your body
I don’t want your body, I don’t want your body
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else
I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don’t want your body
But I’m picturing your body with somebody else
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Dear Grandma (poem)

Dear Grandma,

Why is the world
so cold
sometimes?

Why is it
so hard
to breathe sometimes?

Yesterday seems like
a minute ago
and tomorrow
a million miles away.

All of these
Emotions
fill up my eyes
until
I can’t see.
Fill up my chest
until
the weight becomes
unbearable.

Why can’t I find
somewhere else
to put these things?

Why do my emotions
turn to
Anger sometimes?
I used to be able
to release it
to vent it.

But that became
too unhealthy
it was killing
me.
Poisoning my body.

Now what am
I supposed to do?

Is God listening?

Does he hear my cries?

Does he feel my pain?

Can he hear when I laugh?

I know what you’d say.
He always hears.
He always listens.
Now I just
need to listen for him.

 

Love you grandma ❤

Writing

Placing words into what you feel
Cause the layers of your core to peel
Whether it’s  Anger that distraughts  you
or Confusion that betrays you
It’s Anxiety that simmers within
The good angel seems to never win
It’s the Sadness that overwhelms for no reason
and Loneliness seems to be it’s closest cousin
Sometimes all of these things that are unseen
Seep out of the pores altogether, making it Mean
A scene never meant to be seen
The only Context that gives it most Meaning
Is putting the text on paper, so Rich, so Gleaming
It does its part to soothe the Heart
and transforms it intrinsically into Art.
It takes your inner bag of shit
and becomes the Number One Smash Hit.
Or you can keep it to yourself in private
To make your journal utterly vibrant
No way is Right, no way is Wrong
As long as you make it sing like a Song.