Empowerment of the Day

My motivation/empowerment/mantra for the day…

I am a fucking badass rock star. I just went through one of the most difficult things anyone will EVER go through, an 18 month confrontational therapy based therapeutic community. I’m deprogramming and getting back into the real world, socializing, contemplating, living, planning, working, breathing, staying sober, praying, laughing, singing, dancing, writing, reading, loving, sharing, bonding, being. It’s all up to me now. I create my destiny, I desire myself and my future, I see myself finally. Sure, sometimes I get anxiety and fear that fills me up to the brim until I start to leak, but I breathe and live through it without destroying myself.

My life is my message, my life is my lesson. I will never cower away from it again. I will never shrink down again. I will stand up and hold my head high. I won’t allow you to be a part of my life or plan unless you have something positive and meaningful to bring to the table. I can be a bitch now, I give myself permission. I won’t allow you to take up space in my life or head if your intentions are to use me, if your intentions are dishonest and below mediocre. I can tell now, and I won’t allow it to move on a stagnant, meaningless level. I’m not ignorant, I’m not stupid, I’m not shallow, I’m not weak, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a wise young woman with a head full of knowledge and a heart full of pure amazingness. I am beautiful not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. I literally cannot be stopped, and that is the most exhilarating feeling in the universe. I am my own universe. Sometimes I can’t help but let the words flow freely, and share them with the universe, because a little part of myself is transferred and I get positivity transferred back. Thank God I had the courage to make that one decision that would influence the rest of my life, and I am living it.

Captive

I watched you from afar

though I couldn’t see you,

and I still wonder where you are,

a part of me sees you

gazing under the stars.

 

And dear,

even with all of the friction,

the manipulation and confusion,

even with all of the fear

 

I still hold you near.

There’s a part of me

that will not release you

or am I simply

still your captive my dear?

Fire Agate

Don’t fail me

now,

my stone of wonders-

this time is different.

I feel

stronger, but love

I can’t escape,

nor do I want to,

no matter how

viciously it sucks

the life out of me-

a vampire at twilight

who craves a

victim-

but life it gives

me, those rare moments

that seem to last

a lifetime and

seem to be the life

that i’d always

been looking for.

Binaries control

my path-

two choices of complete

opposition suddenly

arise, and I

must do something-

or let it bleed me

and do nothing at all.

 

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the fact

that you live right above me,

it means that I

can hear almost every move you make.

I hate how you

designate yourself as the rule maker,

establishing how we can act and how often we can see each other.

I hate the way

I go along with these rules,

just here for the ride with no questions asked.

I hate the way

you get to me,

constantly clinging to the cells inside my brain.

I hate how you

make me feel tingly all over,

sometimes good, sometimes bad,

but most of all when I can’t distinguish from the two.

I hate the fact

that I can’t stop thinking about you,

feeling you, sensing your presence all around me.

I hate how

when I get mad at you,

I can’t help but getting over it just like that.

I hate the way

I love you so,

helplessly, hopelessly, relentlessly so.

I hate the

things I say sometimes,

because I really don’t mean them, not at all.

I hate how

I can’t keep hating you,

sometimes I wish I could, but really I’m glad I can’t.

 

 

Plans

I was going to… “told” I was going to be a straight A student. I was going to go to college, graduate, and have an excellent, fulfilling and good paying career. I was going to find a nice, young, good looking christian man, my prince to marry and lose my virginity to and have babies. I was going to be a fashion designer, I was going to be an Olympic Ice Skater. I was going to be a famous author. I was going to travel the world, be fluent in Spanish, and backpack around Europe. I was going to space. I was going to be a violinist. I was going to be in a band. I was going to change the world. I was going to live the American Dream. I was told I could do anything I put my mind to, that I would just have to believe it, and it would just somehow ‘happen.’ Out of no where. I don’t know, maybe that’s why I never went anywhere, because I just waited for things to happen magically without actually doing. What did I expect it to be? I. Love. D. I don’t know what I expected it to be. It just happened so fast. A feeling I’d never felt before. Maybe I expected more, but deep down I knew it wouldn’t be forever. I did expect it to last longer than it did. But in hindsight, I’m glad it didn’t.
But I didn’t… I didn’t plan for him to find another girl so fast. I didn’t plan on him breaking my heart in half. I didn’t plan on dropping out of college through this. And turning to chemicals to numb myself and be able to fall asleep. I didn’t plan on moving out of my best friends’s. I didn’t plan on getting so emotionally involved that I couldn’t think about anything else, do anything else. It still takes up a lot of my ind, 2 years later, almost like an obsession. Especially with what I’m going through currently. I wish it didn’t happen at all sometimes. That I never met him. That my mom didn’t take me to that party that night. I didn’t plan on falling in love with him, to let my whole being, revolve around him. For him to end up fucking her. Marrying her. Having twins with her. Leaving me in the dust. It makes me sick writing about it. I literally vomited the first time he told me about it. I knew something was up, too. And I was all the way in Fort Collins, at my cousin’s house whom  I barely knew because I “had” to move out of my place. It made me physically ill. Shaking uncontrollably. Why did I still talk to him? I didn’t plan on still being attached to him.

Expression

It’s weird how words express our feelings.
Sometimes words can’t do this.
I was looking at a tree today.
I’m not sure what kind.
A tree with green leaves.
Really tall and overpowering.
What I thought of was,
I’ve never really appreciated this tree.
Or trees in general, in a really long time.
“Appreciate” being the key word.
That’s the closest word I could come to the emotions that I felt.
But it was more than appreciation.
It was love, it was sad, it was happy,
It was… Confusing.
I moved to an apartment
In an area where I don’t see trees
that often.
But I used to live by trees and see
trees all the time.
But i didn’t appreciate them.
I didn’t miss them
Until I went to my parents’ house,
the house I used to live.
I saw the tree, and I saw the life
that  I forgot about.
Maybe not forgot, just never
noticed.

No Longer

Do you think you can hurt me still? I’m not going to let you. Do you think I’m going to continue to let this shit phase me? Well I’m not. Maybe the old me would, but I don’t give two shits about what they say behind my back. What you say behind my back. You think your ignoring me scares me? That playing games with my head is okay? That’s fine, keep going, it will only make me stronger in the end. I have already accepted what I should have realized long before… this meant nothing to you. I was safe to you, your security blanket. Maybe you stayed with me this long out of obligation. You see, that doesn’t work for me. Your deception and manipulation can no longer be a tool against me, I will not be brought down to your level now or ever. I deserve to be someone’s everything. I deserve honesty, not humiliation. I will have fire and passion, and love that’s returned, equally. I will be someone’s heart, even if that means breaking my own. Don’t worry, I won’t call you, I won’t fall for your mind tricks any more. I won’t be the first to break this time. I didn’t want this. I wanted us to be okay, to be mutual, to be civil. Especially with the close proximity we must be around each other. I tried, probably too hard, to make it right, so don’t get all butt hurt when it doesn’t work out your way.  The last time we spoke, you said we’d be friends. We’d be happy for each other and supportive as well. The next day, you act like I have a bug on my face. You heard things about me, and changed your mind I suppose. Yeah this hurt for a bit, knowing that someone who called me their soul mate could be as cold as this, but I think I’m getting used to it by now. No longer will I let you hurt me, no longer will I let you rent space for free in my head. I am detaching myself emotionally, letting myself move on, can’t think about the past, only about a future of bettering myself. Maybe I owe you a thanks for showing me how. How to let go, how to move on, and the need to love myself first. I hope you do the same, I don’t wish ill upon you, even though I think I deserve to have hatred towards you. You see, I didn’t grow up that way. Maybe I should have grown thicker skin earlier, but where I come from you don’t treat people you say ‘I love you’ with such malice and disgrace. Sometimes it makes me sick just thinking about it, how I fell for it all over again. But this time will be different, this time I won’t budge and go back with false hopes to have my heart hammered bloody all over again.

Abra Kadabra

What are these words
we throw around?
What do we want
their purpose to be?
I sit at my desk
and write
I’m taking a vactation in
my head
while you’re vactationing
in your world
out of your head.
Mine is actually
no vacation
it’s a prison
toxic to my brain, forced
to do my inventories and
vomit out old resentments
that I tried so hard
to suppress and make
disappear forever.
Abra Kadabra
and they’re summoned
back to the surface.

Sometimes you look at
me different.
You talk to me different.
Like i’m not the one
you love.
Sometimes I pray to God
that your purpose of
some of the words you use
are solely
to cause pain.
With no truth involved.
Either way,
they bring jolts
to my chest,
clouds of fire
in my brain.
But to think of you
actually leaving
causes all
breath to cease
as well as
the blood flow
in my veins.
Everything stops,
including Time
as I gaze into
your dark eyes.
you stay still
but the rest of the world
collapses all around you.
Sometimes my greedy
and selfish mind
yearns to make
your heart feel
the same offence
that took control
of mine.

Dagger

There’s a constant
dagger in my heart
it pulls back and forth
I can’t seem to maintain
any kind of balance
no maintanance
no sense of logic
just heart strings
up and down up and down.

Am I the only one that feels this
I constantly ask
but no one knows the answer
right now i’m filled with hate
towards no one but myself.
I want to take a bath
I want to sink and drown
Further and further
I want to feel the water
in my lungs
I want my heart to stop
beating like drums

Nothing in this life makes
sense to me
except for words
they know how I feel
but words can’t always
express the nature of my being
when it feels like my
insides are bleeding.
You gave me this
but I gave you more
and I want it back.
I don’t wanna be sober
let’s go smoke some crack
Is this raw enough for you?
Cuz what you’ve seen
are words made out of
Plastic Surgery
made to cover up
all the mistakes and
all of the Real.

There was nothing real
about those poems
on yellow paper
hanging up on your wall.
You want Jordan?
Well this is Jordan.
Let me know if you
still want to her
but the question is
do you want the
Plastic Surgery version?
or the Real?
Be careful what you
answer. I’ll slap on
a fake smile
and a fake laugh
until my insides burst
I won’t even show you that.

Where did my mind go?
I lost it. Along with
my happiness. What more
do you want from me?
You said…
You said your only goal
was to make me happy.
instead you made me
Crazy.
But then again
your words never
do mean anything,
do they?
Bullshit flys out of
your mouth like
you won the award
for Player of the year.
You never mean what
you say and never
say what you mean.
I want my poems back.
I want my words back.
I want my heart back.

Birthdays

Birthdays only come around
once a year
So lets make some sound
and give a good cheer
But this birthday is special,
because I am here
to make this
your best year.
Don’t think about the past
because this is gunna last.
Some people search forever
For the love we’ve experienced
We will always remember.
The love I hold for you
Fills up my whole heart
My entire soul, too.

There will be many more years
of birthdays to celebrate
that will bring joyous tears
because that is our fate.
My words will keep flowing
right onto the page
In hopes of showing
that our love has no age.
A love that’s Universal
A love that’s Eternal.