Empowerment of the Day

My motivation/empowerment/mantra for the day…

I am a fucking badass rock star. I just went through one of the most difficult things anyone will EVER go through, an 18 month confrontational therapy based therapeutic community. I’m deprogramming and getting back into the real world, socializing, contemplating, living, planning, working, breathing, staying sober, praying, laughing, singing, dancing, writing, reading, loving, sharing, bonding, being. It’s all up to me now. I create my destiny, I desire myself and my future, I see myself finally. Sure, sometimes I get anxiety and fear that fills me up to the brim until I start to leak, but I breathe and live through it without destroying myself.

My life is my message, my life is my lesson. I will never cower away from it again. I will never shrink down again. I will stand up and hold my head high. I won’t allow you to be a part of my life or plan unless you have something positive and meaningful to bring to the table. I can be a bitch now, I give myself permission. I won’t allow you to take up space in my life or head if your intentions are to use me, if your intentions are dishonest and below mediocre. I can tell now, and I won’t allow it to move on a stagnant, meaningless level. I’m not ignorant, I’m not stupid, I’m not shallow, I’m not weak, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a wise young woman with a head full of knowledge and a heart full of pure amazingness. I am beautiful not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. I literally cannot be stopped, and that is the most exhilarating feeling in the universe. I am my own universe. Sometimes I can’t help but let the words flow freely, and share them with the universe, because a little part of myself is transferred and I get positivity transferred back. Thank God I had the courage to make that one decision that would influence the rest of my life, and I am living it.

My Journey…

So, I don’t really know who reads this… I don’t advertise this site/blog to barely any of my friends, it seems to intimate for that. But I feel comfortable with the blogging community, maybe because they don’t know me on a personal level. Sometimes it’s easier to share with strangers and fellow writers. And there’s just some things I need to get out/explain. I have not posted anything here for literally 18 months. Why, you ask? I was in an 18 month structured therapeutic community for addiction and alcohol dependency. I went without social media literally for a year and a half. It wasn’t allowed- no facebook, no email, no nothing online.

Now I’m back, and getting online now is almost overwhelming. I want to get back into reading and writing… It’s my passion, it’s who I am… While I was gone it seemed like a lot of my passion and motivation for this creativity dissipated. I did a lot of work on myself, though. Picking back up on this has been a little more difficult than I foresaw. A lot of what I used to write was inspired by fear, hurt, shame, loss…. I feel that when I tap back into that, my creativity flows easier and smoother; it’s more profound. But I also want to be inspired to write when I’m happy, feeling blessed and excited.

I’m still on a journey of finding myself… What do I want? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Right now I’m just going through the motions… making sure I stay sober, making sure my maladaptive thoughts don’t get in my way, making sure I have my priorities right… What a crazy, unexpected, long, and amazing journey this has been and will continue to be.

6th & Lincoln

Giant moving monsters
Red, White, Silver, Gold.
Other vehicles
of souls,
walk around, pedestrian-like
Some with signs
made of cut-up boxes,
box lettering etched
into the cardboard.
Pleas of help
in the form of money.

Humankind
Both
Is what it says.
Human. and Kind.
Humankind.
We’re all here,
sharing this world,
this planet,
this ground.
He hands her
a bag of food.
We’re all the same,
me and you,
him and her.
We come from
the same place,
the same space,
born into the same world.
But we’ve forgotten.

We’ve become careless,
ignorant, impatient.
Do you ever
stop- cease
what you’re doing
every once in a while
and look-
just notice-
what’s happening around you?
Do you ever appreciate it?
Laugh at it?
Cry at it?
Just be in it,
apart of it.
You already are,
sometimes it just
takes recognition,
and the world
becomes a more
beautiful place.
Your problems seem
a little less
significant
when compared
to the bigger scheme of things.

It makes me smile.

Guidance

A compilation of texts I’ve received from a certain Spiritual Guide

 

“Having lived long, I have learned that not one thing is true– it’s all true.” Ernest Hemingway.

“No thought, no reflection, no analysis, no cultivation, no intention; let it settle itself.” Tilopa

Meditation is bearing witness to thoughts as they arise like bubbles from the bottom of a pond. Don’t add to the thoughts, just watch them rise, burst, and vanish. Eventually they stop rising.

In your desirelessness lies your only fulfillment.

“In your complete helplessness suddenly the whole Existence moves to help you” -Osho

Hope is desire for things to be other than they are. Without hope you deal with reality.

Pessimism is expectation of the worst. This is no expectation and no preferences.  Nothing is better or worse.

You are all neutral, accepting all.

The admission of confusion is the beginning of enlightenment.

In your hopelessness lies your only hope.

If you have no desires you are fulfilled.

Helpless, you are not striving, but moving with existence.

Let it be.

Expression

It’s weird how words express our feelings.
Sometimes words can’t do this.
I was looking at a tree today.
I’m not sure what kind.
A tree with green leaves.
Really tall and overpowering.
What I thought of was,
I’ve never really appreciated this tree.
Or trees in general, in a really long time.
“Appreciate” being the key word.
That’s the closest word I could come to the emotions that I felt.
But it was more than appreciation.
It was love, it was sad, it was happy,
It was… Confusing.
I moved to an apartment
In an area where I don’t see trees
that often.
But I used to live by trees and see
trees all the time.
But i didn’t appreciate them.
I didn’t miss them
Until I went to my parents’ house,
the house I used to live.
I saw the tree, and I saw the life
that  I forgot about.
Maybe not forgot, just never
noticed.

Dear God…

Someone asked me… Write down a question that you would ask God if you could. And write about it for 5 minutes.

Why did you make humans? What was your purpose?

I’ve heard many theories on the meaning of life, or our purpose I guess. I think for you it’s to Glorify you, help others, and walk in your path… But is that really the meaning? Why did you create us- These beings that can cause so much hurt and hate and evil… But also good. Were you bored? Did you do it simply to see if you could? Were you lonely? Did you need someone to talk to, relate to, to philosophize with? Why did you make this life so hard for humans though? So much of life is struggles and pain and suffering- some ask if it’s even worth it. You could’ve made a perfect earth. But that would probably be boring too. You make us go through pain, anxiety, and suffering so we know how to get through the tough things the next time they happen- so we can grow- so we know what happiness truly means. Are you proud of the race you created? Or do humans just make you cry? Is this what you expected out of us? Out of me? Have I let you down or do I make you smile?

Meaning

Many people ask
What gives life meaning?
Then put on a mask.
They hide their insecurities
And fake their purities
Absent of priorities.
This life is what you make it
Sometimes you gotta fake it
Just for the sake of it
Or else you’ll just break it.

So take off that mask you little time bomb
Or else you’ll just be dancing to the same song.
When you be yourself
And believe in Destiny
You might just have an epiphany.

Dear Grandma, [7/30/13]

I am so sorry. I’ve made you so many promises. That I’d stop drinking. That I’d finish school. You even told me that you’d wait to die until after I finished my first book. You haven’t been able to see these things when you were alive, but I will make sure they still happen. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford school without being in debt. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford this treatment. And you don’t know how grateful I am for that. You are the inspiration for my first book. You’ve given me so many ideas, wisdom, and help regarding anything that i’d ask for. I’m sorry I didn’t see you as much these past few years. All of my priorities went out the window, including the people I love. I love you so much and miss you so much. I don’t think I was able to grieve before, and now I can. But it’s all happy things that I remember about you. Like when you retired to spend more time with me and Ryan. And you took me to the Aquarium. And you taking me to art classes. I wish I did more art with you. But you loved my writing. And I could always go to your house when I wanted to get away from home. We would watch movies and talk about life, and you even started teaching me how to cook.

I feel bad that I didn’t go to your house after you passed to go through the stuff that I wanted. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now if I could go back I’d get your recipes and more of your artwork.

You were always so happy and filled with joy. Maybe a little frustrated at times when you couldn’t get around as easily. But I will always remember your big smile and how accepting you were of people no matter what. And when you took me on the cruise to Hawaii for my high school graduation present. That day on Honolei Bay was the best day of my life. Being in the ocean, seeing the mountains, and eating snow cones.

It’s hard to think about this life without you. But I can do this. I have to remember that it’s ok to be in tune with my inner child like you taught me, and to not be so serious all the time. It’s hard. Life is hard. But it’s during these times that we learn the most. I love you so much. Thank you, Grandma.