Dear Grandma (poem)

Dear Grandma,

Why is the world
so cold
sometimes?

Why is it
so hard
to breathe sometimes?

Yesterday seems like
a minute ago
and tomorrow
a million miles away.

All of these
Emotions
fill up my eyes
until
I can’t see.
Fill up my chest
until
the weight becomes
unbearable.

Why can’t I find
somewhere else
to put these things?

Why do my emotions
turn to
Anger sometimes?
I used to be able
to release it
to vent it.

But that became
too unhealthy
it was killing
me.
Poisoning my body.

Now what am
I supposed to do?

Is God listening?

Does he hear my cries?

Does he feel my pain?

Can he hear when I laugh?

I know what you’d say.
He always hears.
He always listens.
Now I just
need to listen for him.

 

Love you grandma ❤

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Dear Grandma, [7/30/13]

I am so sorry. I’ve made you so many promises. That I’d stop drinking. That I’d finish school. You even told me that you’d wait to die until after I finished my first book. You haven’t been able to see these things when you were alive, but I will make sure they still happen. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford school without being in debt. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford this treatment. And you don’t know how grateful I am for that. You are the inspiration for my first book. You’ve given me so many ideas, wisdom, and help regarding anything that i’d ask for. I’m sorry I didn’t see you as much these past few years. All of my priorities went out the window, including the people I love. I love you so much and miss you so much. I don’t think I was able to grieve before, and now I can. But it’s all happy things that I remember about you. Like when you retired to spend more time with me and Ryan. And you took me to the Aquarium. And you taking me to art classes. I wish I did more art with you. But you loved my writing. And I could always go to your house when I wanted to get away from home. We would watch movies and talk about life, and you even started teaching me how to cook.

I feel bad that I didn’t go to your house after you passed to go through the stuff that I wanted. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now if I could go back I’d get your recipes and more of your artwork.

You were always so happy and filled with joy. Maybe a little frustrated at times when you couldn’t get around as easily. But I will always remember your big smile and how accepting you were of people no matter what. And when you took me on the cruise to Hawaii for my high school graduation present. That day on Honolei Bay was the best day of my life. Being in the ocean, seeing the mountains, and eating snow cones.

It’s hard to think about this life without you. But I can do this. I have to remember that it’s ok to be in tune with my inner child like you taught me, and to not be so serious all the time. It’s hard. Life is hard. But it’s during these times that we learn the most. I love you so much. Thank you, Grandma.

Good Night with Good People x2

good

 

Awesome night with awesome people, actually. A bunch of friends from work and I got together last night, starting off with dinner at Outback Steakhouse then off to Fox and Hound for some drinks. I couldn’t have asked for a better night.

Amanda, whom I worked with, my newly really good friend, is leaving today for Pueblo. She brought all of us girls together. I couldn’t thank her enough for what she’s done for us. If it wasn’t for her, all of us working friends wouldn’t be getting together for some fun. I know that after she leaves, us “oldnavyers” will continue to get together, hang out, talk, and have fun. And we are going to plan on a slumber party sometime down in Pueblo with Amanda.

Amanda wrote us all individualized letters. This is what she wrote for me:

“I know you feel like we didn’t get to know each other until the end but I feel a little different. We have always had an unspeakable bond. You remind me a lot of myself lol and thats what I love about you. You and I have talked about more of the seriousness of life. You have such an amazing soul and I know you are going to do something great in life! I truly believe that God brought us together when we went to dinner… it was the right moment at the right time. I feel so lucky to have met such a wonderful person. I know you will find your way and like a great person once said, “Everything is going to be ok”

I’m crying as I retype this letter she wrote, just like I did when I first read it. I’m so blessed to have met a person that accepts me, loves me, and would do anything for me. So here’s my letter to you Amanda:

Amanda,
I thank you so much for everything you and Jordan have done for me. When I met you at Old Navy, I didn’t really know what to think because you LOD’d for like a day and the rest you were just sharing all of us associates in our rants about being at work 🙂 I feel so blessed to have you in my life. You knew what I was going through, but you didn’t push it. You could tell when I was emotional at work, and you supported me in any way possible. I’m sad that you’re leaving, but I know that this is God’s plan for you. I will miss you terribly, but we can still stay in touch and do visits. Thank you again for accepting me, loving me, and bringing us Old Navy girls together. You are amazing, and I can tell you have more amazingness coming to you in life, along with your amazing husband. I know i’ve used the word “amazing” a lot, but that’s really what it is.
I love you,
Jordan Faust 🙂

good 2  good 3

Journal Entry: Hospice Day 3

She’s in a lot of pain, and moving around, agitated. She’s talked a little bit. She has weird chunks in her mouth. She has swelling in her hand. “Will you take it off please” is the clearest thing I’ve heard her say tonight, regarding her broken shoulder/arm on the pillow. “Help me, Hurry,” is what she’s saying. She just asked for water.

Maybe I should blog about it. Maybe people will have some words of wisdom or advice. Maybe it would be nice to share my story. It’s a hard story to tell. It’s a hard story to live. I don’t know how to describe it, how I lost G.G. (Great Grandma) one year ago, and now I’m losing my grandma. In the worst way imaginable. Maybe I should keep it to myself for a while.

I just don’t know what to do. I need something to keep me busy while I’m here. Maybe read, write some more. But write about what?

Dear Grandma,

Soon, you will find the sunlight over those rocky hills. All of your pain will be dissolved into the brisk air. You will feel the warmth of God’s breath on your forehead. You will have the relief to take a full, deep breath again.

I wish I could take all of your pain, and put it into me instead. You always took care of me. You always knew what to say when I came to you for advice. I know I was stubborn sometimes, and didn’t visit you enough, and I wish I could take it back.

You gave me your car, the ’93 Subaru Legacy when I was 16. I still have childhood memories of you taking me to pre-school in that car, always having a sucker for me in the glove box when you picked me up.

You are an example to live by. You changed so many people’s lives. You accepted everybody, no matter their race, religion, ethnicity, socio-economic status- and you always had humor and kind words to cheer someone up.

I accept your departure from this earth, into the other realm. I can only Imagine. What it will be like to meet Jesus. And your mother, brother, father, grandfather.

I will be okay. We will be okay. I just don’t want to see you suffer anymore.

I know where you are going, and I know that you will be with me always and forever. Give a big kiss to G.G. for me.

Love,

Jordy