Somebody Else

This morning, I was driving to the gym before work like I have been each morning the past couple of weeks. The radio was on my favorite alternative rock station, 93.3. It’s usually a calm, peaceful, short drive. A song came on, and it sounded like a song from the 80’s, kind of Depeche Mode-esque. It hit a cord in me,  even though I hadn’t really listened to the lyrics yet. I “shazamed” it and listened to it on Spotify as I was working out. “Somebody Else” by The 1975.

And. It. Hit Me.

Emotions I have been trying to avoid for the last 4-5 months. Sometimes I allow them to come up to the surface. But then I tell myself that I “shouldn’t” be sad about it, and he doesn’t deserve my tears, and blah blah blah. I tell myself I’m over it. I tell myself I’m over the last one, just like I’m over the one before, and the one before that. But this song brought up the emotions of all of them. The same sense of abandonment, of hurt, of being replaced by somebody else. And as I write this, I don’t know what else to say. I’m at work, and I will not allow the emotions to get as far as letting tears out. Maybe I’m not over it. Maybe there will always be a missing piece of my heart, maybe three pieces. Three tears I’ll save for you.

So I heard you found somebody else
And at first I thought it was a lie
I took all my things that make sounds
The rest I can do without
I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else
I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don’t want your body
But I’m picturing your body with somebody else
Come on baby
This ain’t the last time that I’ll see your face
Come on baby
You said you’d find someone to take my place
I just don’t believe that you have got it in you ’cause
We are just gonna keep ‘doin’ it’ and everytime
I start to believe in anything you’re saying
I’m reminded that I should be getting over it
I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else
I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don’t want your body
But I’m picturing your body with somebody else
I don’t want your body, I don’t want your body
I don’t want your body, I don’t want your body
I don’t want your body, I don’t want your body
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
Get someone you love?
Get someone you need?
Fuck that, get money
I can’t give you my soul ’cause we’re never alone
I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
Our love has gone cold
You’re intertwining your soul with somebody else
I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone
And then leaving with somebody else
No, I don’t want your body
But I’m picturing your body with somebody else
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No Longer

Do you think you can hurt me still? I’m not going to let you. Do you think I’m going to continue to let this shit phase me? Well I’m not. Maybe the old me would, but I don’t give two shits about what they say behind my back. What you say behind my back. You think your ignoring me scares me? That playing games with my head is okay? That’s fine, keep going, it will only make me stronger in the end. I have already accepted what I should have realized long before… this meant nothing to you. I was safe to you, your security blanket. Maybe you stayed with me this long out of obligation. You see, that doesn’t work for me. Your deception and manipulation can no longer be a tool against me, I will not be brought down to your level now or ever. I deserve to be someone’s everything. I deserve honesty, not humiliation. I will have fire and passion, and love that’s returned, equally. I will be someone’s heart, even if that means breaking my own. Don’t worry, I won’t call you, I won’t fall for your mind tricks any more. I won’t be the first to break this time. I didn’t want this. I wanted us to be okay, to be mutual, to be civil. Especially with the close proximity we must be around each other. I tried, probably too hard, to make it right, so don’t get all butt hurt when it doesn’t work out your way.  The last time we spoke, you said we’d be friends. We’d be happy for each other and supportive as well. The next day, you act like I have a bug on my face. You heard things about me, and changed your mind I suppose. Yeah this hurt for a bit, knowing that someone who called me their soul mate could be as cold as this, but I think I’m getting used to it by now. No longer will I let you hurt me, no longer will I let you rent space for free in my head. I am detaching myself emotionally, letting myself move on, can’t think about the past, only about a future of bettering myself. Maybe I owe you a thanks for showing me how. How to let go, how to move on, and the need to love myself first. I hope you do the same, I don’t wish ill upon you, even though I think I deserve to have hatred towards you. You see, I didn’t grow up that way. Maybe I should have grown thicker skin earlier, but where I come from you don’t treat people you say ‘I love you’ with such malice and disgrace. Sometimes it makes me sick just thinking about it, how I fell for it all over again. But this time will be different, this time I won’t budge and go back with false hopes to have my heart hammered bloody all over again.

Abra Kadabra

What are these words
we throw around?
What do we want
their purpose to be?
I sit at my desk
and write
I’m taking a vactation in
my head
while you’re vactationing
in your world
out of your head.
Mine is actually
no vacation
it’s a prison
toxic to my brain, forced
to do my inventories and
vomit out old resentments
that I tried so hard
to suppress and make
disappear forever.
Abra Kadabra
and they’re summoned
back to the surface.

Sometimes you look at
me different.
You talk to me different.
Like i’m not the one
you love.
Sometimes I pray to God
that your purpose of
some of the words you use
are solely
to cause pain.
With no truth involved.
Either way,
they bring jolts
to my chest,
clouds of fire
in my brain.
But to think of you
actually leaving
causes all
breath to cease
as well as
the blood flow
in my veins.
Everything stops,
including Time
as I gaze into
your dark eyes.
you stay still
but the rest of the world
collapses all around you.
Sometimes my greedy
and selfish mind
yearns to make
your heart feel
the same offence
that took control
of mine.

Insensivity

I don’t understand how some people can be so insensitive during these rough times.

I understand we all mourn differently.

And I know that most of my family and friends have been super supportive and sensitive.

But there are others that say things that just flabbergast me, and make me want to cry and bury myself in a hole. Some are family, and some are family “friends.”

An example being, a friend of my grandmothers came into the hospice early one morning while mom and I were waking up. My mom left to go get coffee, and this “friend” started going off about how disappointed she was of me, and how much of a disappointment I was to my grandmother, and that she doesn’t want me to end up like my mother. It was simply because she found out that I smoked cigarettes.

Who are you to judge me, and my family, while I am grieving over my dying grandmother? Later, she told my mother that she had to “put me in my place.”

I know I should let it roll it off my shoulder, but words like these are extremely hurtful, and undeserved. She claims she is a christian, but God’s teaching tells us that only He can judge us, and that we should be supportive of our brothers and sisters, especially in times like these.

I can’t help but cry, not only because my grandmother is gone, but people have to judge me and say that I’m a huge disappointment  I know my grandma loved me endlessly, and no matter what I did she would forgive me and support me.

Like she always said to me, “I love you once, I love you twice, I love you more than beans and rice” 🙂