The Rehab Means Something to Me.

The rehab means something to me. It’s a place. It’s a metaphor. It’s a turning point. It represents the point between two lines in my life that are vastly different. But I’m the same me, the same Jordan. The first line includes childhood. School. Happiness. But then destruction. The destruction led to Events and Addictions that couldn’t be turned around without drastic measures. There were many attempts. Many hopes. But many failures. The failures soon led to Hopelessness and Misery. Until rehab became the only salvageable option. The image of my grandmother keeps coming to mind. She was one of my hopes and inspirations of turning my life around. All she wanted for me was happiness, which meant sobriety and a relationship with God. So, rehab. The point that changed my life around. Made me able to stop the Destruction, especially the Self Destruction. Gave me back my hope and courage. Led me to where I am in my life now. On a Spiritual Journey, going through Personal Growth every day that I never knew could be imagineable. Now I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Hope, Faith, Courage. My Grandma must be looking down on me with tears of joy rolling down her rosy cheek, which makes me smile and tear up as well. I have so much potential. The world is at my hands and feet. I can do anything and everything as long as I can dream and imagine it then work my ass of for it. I am so blessed not only to be alive but to be well and happy and on my way to whatever I can dream of.

Dear Grandma (poem)

Dear Grandma,

Why is the world
so cold
sometimes?

Why is it
so hard
to breathe sometimes?

Yesterday seems like
a minute ago
and tomorrow
a million miles away.

All of these
Emotions
fill up my eyes
until
I can’t see.
Fill up my chest
until
the weight becomes
unbearable.

Why can’t I find
somewhere else
to put these things?

Why do my emotions
turn to
Anger sometimes?
I used to be able
to release it
to vent it.

But that became
too unhealthy
it was killing
me.
Poisoning my body.

Now what am
I supposed to do?

Is God listening?

Does he hear my cries?

Does he feel my pain?

Can he hear when I laugh?

I know what you’d say.
He always hears.
He always listens.
Now I just
need to listen for him.

 

Love you grandma ❤

Dear Grandma, [7/30/13]

I am so sorry. I’ve made you so many promises. That I’d stop drinking. That I’d finish school. You even told me that you’d wait to die until after I finished my first book. You haven’t been able to see these things when you were alive, but I will make sure they still happen. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford school without being in debt. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford this treatment. And you don’t know how grateful I am for that. You are the inspiration for my first book. You’ve given me so many ideas, wisdom, and help regarding anything that i’d ask for. I’m sorry I didn’t see you as much these past few years. All of my priorities went out the window, including the people I love. I love you so much and miss you so much. I don’t think I was able to grieve before, and now I can. But it’s all happy things that I remember about you. Like when you retired to spend more time with me and Ryan. And you took me to the Aquarium. And you taking me to art classes. I wish I did more art with you. But you loved my writing. And I could always go to your house when I wanted to get away from home. We would watch movies and talk about life, and you even started teaching me how to cook.

I feel bad that I didn’t go to your house after you passed to go through the stuff that I wanted. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now if I could go back I’d get your recipes and more of your artwork.

You were always so happy and filled with joy. Maybe a little frustrated at times when you couldn’t get around as easily. But I will always remember your big smile and how accepting you were of people no matter what. And when you took me on the cruise to Hawaii for my high school graduation present. That day on Honolei Bay was the best day of my life. Being in the ocean, seeing the mountains, and eating snow cones.

It’s hard to think about this life without you. But I can do this. I have to remember that it’s ok to be in tune with my inner child like you taught me, and to not be so serious all the time. It’s hard. Life is hard. But it’s during these times that we learn the most. I love you so much. Thank you, Grandma.

Good Night with Good People

Some girlfriends from work and I have been trying to get together and get dinner or drinks to talk and hang out. Yesterday we were supposed to meet at Elephant Bar, but I ended up not being able to because of arrangements I forgot about. They didn’t meet up either, but tonight Amanda and I decided to go to Chili’s after work to eat and catch up with her husband, Jordan.

After I got home from this dinner, I felt so blessed. They are both amazing, beautiful people inside and out. I felt like it was a “God” thing. Jordan has been working for Chili’s and is moving up to be a manager in Colorado Springs, so they are moving this Tuesday. That’s why I wanted to get together with Amanda before she left town. We were talking about work, life, money, everything. I told them my story with school, and how much I want and need to live on my own and be independent. I mentioned  that I have been working for Old Navy for 6 years now, and it seemed to flabbergast them. They told me that working at Chili’s and being a server would definitely take me out of my comfort zone, but it could be just the change I need in my life right now that could bring in the money I need to do what I want.

Jordan went and talked to one of the managers who said they are in need of servers, and he put in a good word for me. He told me to go in on Monday to meet with another manager, I think the GM or something. I’m going to go in and introduce myself and talk about the position before I apply online, pretty much putting a face to the name. I feel so lucky that I have these people, who I didn’t really know, to help and support me in times of need.

I also feel like this is such a good sign from God. Amanda told me that her grandma would always tell her, “Everything’s going to be okay.” That’s what my grandma would say to me, every time I talked to her. I  need this change. Maybe it was a good thing I couldn’t meet with the girls yesterday. We’re all supposed to get together on Monday, but this more intimate get-together with Amanda and her husband was definitely a meant-to-be sign. I will definitely miss her when she moves to the Springs, but we will find times to hang out.

So here’s to a new Adventure in my life 🙂

adventure

Tough Day

So, my phone completely broke the other night. I hate Iphones. Ughh. It just simply wouldn’t turn on, even on the charger.

So today I realized I could use my dad’s old, pretty crappy phone (no t9!?) and put my sim card in there. My contacts of course weren’t converted with my luck.

I was looking through my mom’s numbers of the family to put in my phone, and I passed my her number. “Mom cell” and Mom home” were what they were titled. My grandma. Usually when I put my grandmas in my phone, there’s Gma home and cell, and Gma Faust. 2 grandmas. This realization really hit me hard. Emotions totally come and go, and this was definitely very emotional for me.

But, I need to be especially grateful for the Grandma that I still have. She’s 93, but healthy as can be. Still lives at home on her own, drives, and even golfs sometimes. I got a message from her during the time my phone was off, asking me to come by and help her with a puzzle. That put a tear in my eye, and made me so grateful that I have a wonderful, wise, lovely lady grandma in my life that I can spend time with. Meanwhile, Gma Dewey is looking down at me from above, and is with me at all times.

clouds

Funeral

Pats Picture

I didn’t think I’d have the strength to write this post, but today I’ve had many mixed emotions. I feel like it would be good for me to write out what happened.

Yesterday was my grandma, Patricia Dewey’s, funeral. It was an absolutely beautiful service. It was at Fairmount Mortuary, which she worked at for 18 years before she retired to spend more time with me and my younger brother, Ryan.

On the handout, the picture above is on the front cover, and it says “Celebrating the Life of Patricia Ann Dewey” February 26, 1940-April 3, 2013.

The service started at 11 am with bagpipes performing “Amazing Grace.” This alone brought tears to my eyes. I always loved the sound of bagpipes, and I know my grandma did too.

Pastor Ray Cook did most of the service, with the welcome, prayer, message of hope, and benediction. Our family is immensely blessed to have him be there with us and to do this service. He knew my great grandma, and my grandma extremely well. He was their favorite. He would visit their home just to make sure they were doing alright, and he prayed over both of them on their deathbed. I can’t describe how important he is to our family and how thankful I am for him helping out so much.

After Ray’s introduction, my mom and I went up to the microphone to read a scripture. Mom went first and read out of Proverbs. I read out of Proverbs as well. I told everyone that I had been studying Proverbs, and that in this book of the bible “Wisdom” is referred to a lot as a “She” or woman figure. I thought that my grandma was this womanly, wisdomly figure This is the verse I read:

“I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold; what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness, along the paths of justice,
bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me and making their treasuries full.
The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works, before his deeds of old;
I was formed long ages ago, at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
When there were no watery depths, I was given birth, when there were no springs overflowing with water;
before the mountains were settled in place, before the hills, I was given birth,
before he made the world or its fields or any of the dust of the earth.
I was there when he set the heavens in place, when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was constantly at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world and delighting in mankind.

Now then, my children, listen to me; blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it.
Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.
For those who find me find life and receive favor from the Lord”

Proverbs 8:17-35

I don’t know exactly why this verse spoke to me, or why I was driven to speak it at the funeral, but I always remember my grandma being so wise and full of Jesus’ love. Whenever I had a problem, she said that I could crawl up in His lap. If I ever did something bad, she said that she may not like what I’m doing, but she would always love me, and to never do anything to make God cry. I know I’ve made God cry with some of my past actions. And I have a legacy to fill. With both my grandma and G.G. being wise women of the lord, I don’t want anything less than to make them proud. I want it for myself too.

Anyways, as the service at the funeral moved on, Dave Lemieux sang “How Great Thou Art” and “I Can Only Imagine” while playing the piano. Wow, his voice really shook up the place. I was hit once again by the words of these wise men singing about the Lord, and about how great he is, and about heaven.

During the open microphone, some people went up just to talk about how much of an inspiration Grandma was to them, and how she always had humor to make them feel comfortable. They also played the song, “Spirit in the Sky” that was in the “Remember the Titans” soundtrack, which was pretty awesome. I could just imagine grandma dancing to that song..

After the service, we drove our cars the the burial site. Ryan, my brother was with me as I drove behind Pastor Ray who was behind my dad and mom. We exited our cars, and we heard more Bagpipes playing, bringing more tears to my eyes. My brother and father were Pallbearers, so they carried her casket to the grave-site. It was cold and windy, but Ray continued with his prayers and all the family and friends were behind, in prayer, and in peace as he asked us to remember our most happy memory with her.

My happy memory was when she officially retired, and I was about 8. She took me to the “Aquarium,” which had a different name back then. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but it was for me because she left her workplace to spend more time with me and Ryan. And she did. And I miss her so much. I have 2 holes missing from my heart. We used to have 5 generations. I was most used to 4. But now it’s down to 2, within a year pretty much. I love my mom, and I know she needs support too. She was raised by these women.

What’s next? I don’t know. Time will tell. But here’s a picture of us 4 generations. Strong, loving women.

4 generations picture

When It Rains, It Pours

The first time I heard this saying, I was at work when I was the only cashier, and all of a sudden a million people got in line at once. I probably looked extremely overwhelmed, and the customer I was currently with looked sympathetically at me and said, “when it rains it pours.” I had to think about it for a second, but I got it.

Ever since then, I’ve been realizing how true this is to my life. When something bad happens, all of a sudden everything else that could go bad seems to do so.

A couple years back, I was going through a horrible break-up. I was also in the middle of moving to a different location, and my grandma and great grandma were going through nursing homes and health issues. My life became so stressful and overwhelming that I had to withdraw from that semester at school. I’m still dealing with the consequences of missing that semester at school, since it set me back. And I’m still emotionally hardened at times with the break up. Things looked up a little after that, and it was definitely a good learning experience for me.

Current times are reminding me of those times. The passing of my grandmother is very tough for me and my family, especially my mom since she was her only daughter. During this last month full of hospitals, nursing homes, and a death, I’ve also been going through another break-up. He didn’t seem to be that sympathetic to me, and he didn’t seem to get it through his head that my family takes first priority for me. Today it was finalized because I told him I couldn’t go to a movie last minute. I told him I needed to work on myself during this time, and if he couldn’t support me in that, then I couldn’t continue working on the relationship. So he pretty much wrote me off, with words of “nice knowing ya” and “bye.” It broke my heart, but maybe it’s for the best. He will probably never speak to me again, since he told me once that he never stays friends with exes. He blocked me from facebook too, which is probably another good thing because otherwise I’d be tempted to see what he’s doing. It’s just so hard to think that I’ll never have any kind of a relationship with this person who had part of my heart ever again.

I guess I just need to look at the positives out of this pouring rain.

My grandma is in her eternal, heavenly home no longer suffering.

There’s a better person out there for me that will be sensitive to my needs and priorities.

Now I just need to get my $h!t together; get back on track with school, save my money to move out and be independent, probably by finding another job, and continue working on myself- my happiness, faith, health, sobriety, etc. You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.

On another positive, random note, my wonderful friend, and friend of my grandma’s, cut my hair today for free! And I did the “wild ombre” dye job to my hair. I feel refreshed with this new look. And I start work again tomorrow. 🙂

calm

Obituary

Patricia Ann Dewey, 73, of Aurora, Colorado, passed away on April 3, 2013. The funeral service will be held at Fairmount Mortuary at 430 South Quebec Street on Wednesday, April 10 at 11:00. Pastor Ray Cook of Colorado Community Church will be officiating. Viewing will be held at Fairmount Mortuary on Tuesday, April 9 from 12:00 to 4:00 pm. Burial will follow the funeral at Fairmount Mortuary.

 
Patricia was born in Tucson, Arizona on February 26, 1940 to Joseph and Edith Wilson. She graduated from Whittier High School, and continued on to receive an Accounting degree from Metro State in Colorado. Patricia had one brother, Richard, who proceeded her in death in 2006. Karen, Patricia’s daughter, was born in La Mirada, California on March 3, 1966.

 
In 1972, Patricia and her family moved to Colorado. She worked as a Controller for Fairmount Mortuary for 18 years. She enjoyed playing golf, camping, and painting. Patricia was also actively involved in Eastern Star.  Patricia is survived by her daughter and son in law, Karen and John Faust, as well as two grandchildren, Jordan and Ryan Faust. She is also survived by two nieces, Jamie and Jodi Wilson. Patricia was very active in her church no matter where she lived. Patricia’s kindness, generosity, joy, love, and humor touched everyone she knew, and will be greatly missed by her family and friends.

 

The Reception will be held at Colorado Community Church following  the funeral services. Address can be found below.

 
In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions in Patricia’s honor may be made to:
Colorado Community Church
Deacons Fund
2220 S Chambers Road
Aurora Colorado 80014
(Please write “Patricia Dewey Memorial”
in the memo line of your check)
Or
The Denver Hospice
501 S Cherry Street – Suite 700
Denver Colorado 80246

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Insensivity

I don’t understand how some people can be so insensitive during these rough times.

I understand we all mourn differently.

And I know that most of my family and friends have been super supportive and sensitive.

But there are others that say things that just flabbergast me, and make me want to cry and bury myself in a hole. Some are family, and some are family “friends.”

An example being, a friend of my grandmothers came into the hospice early one morning while mom and I were waking up. My mom left to go get coffee, and this “friend” started going off about how disappointed she was of me, and how much of a disappointment I was to my grandmother, and that she doesn’t want me to end up like my mother. It was simply because she found out that I smoked cigarettes.

Who are you to judge me, and my family, while I am grieving over my dying grandmother? Later, she told my mother that she had to “put me in my place.”

I know I should let it roll it off my shoulder, but words like these are extremely hurtful, and undeserved. She claims she is a christian, but God’s teaching tells us that only He can judge us, and that we should be supportive of our brothers and sisters, especially in times like these.

I can’t help but cry, not only because my grandmother is gone, but people have to judge me and say that I’m a huge disappointment  I know my grandma loved me endlessly, and no matter what I did she would forgive me and support me.

Like she always said to me, “I love you once, I love you twice, I love you more than beans and rice” 🙂

Passed…

She passed today around 12:30pm.

The lingering is over.

She’s in her eternal home.

Thank you for all your support in this difficult time.

“Whatever we focus on, we give power to. “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” [Colossians 3:2] Take your eyes off the negative and you will dis-empower it. If you are wounded and offended, it proves your old nature is still alive. The best way to keep it dead is to live in the new nature of ‘Christ in you, the hope of glory’.”

God Bless,

Jordan