Hope

Withering discontent
forcibly choose to sit in this room
Monsters, Thieves, Liars, Cheats
myself included
most of all.
These broken thoughts
irreparable
but can’t put that liquidy Devil
down my desperate throat again.
We applaud
the surrendered and the scared
newcomers that sit awkwardly
in their chairs
darty eyes
slithery sweaty skin
insides at war against the brain
feelings all too familiar
as I sit I feel their pain.
I go through the same ride
every morning noon and night.

Now the difference is
I have to trudge
against the salty tidal waves
without you by
my side
due to my deliberately
manufactured misery.
Putting myself in situations
that God tells me no.
I know it’s for the better
I know he means the best
but my thoughts go
straight to places
that send jolts to my chest.

Why is it so hard to hear you
happy?
You’re doing good, celebrating,
loving without me
I can’t control this situation, I
can’t control this pain.
It’s something i’ll have
to endure
until things make sense
in my brain.
Oh power, greater than myself,
Where are you?
I can feel you sometimes
when you seem to fill me
with your strength, but
why can’t that
last forever?
When things don’t go
my way
I want to kick and scream
until I find a way
But this time is
different.
My way will not happen
no matter how much
I scream your name
you haunt me in my
dreams
a phantom lurking
outside the window
your voice, it stirs
inside my head
summoning emotions
that give me hope again.

But the truth,
the reality is
I’m as raw as I’ve
ever been
and to hold on to hope,
is to hold on to death,
I can’t even
call you my friend.

Dear God…

Someone asked me… Write down a question that you would ask God if you could. And write about it for 5 minutes.

Why did you make humans? What was your purpose?

I’ve heard many theories on the meaning of life, or our purpose I guess. I think for you it’s to Glorify you, help others, and walk in your path… But is that really the meaning? Why did you create us- These beings that can cause so much hurt and hate and evil… But also good. Were you bored? Did you do it simply to see if you could? Were you lonely? Did you need someone to talk to, relate to, to philosophize with? Why did you make this life so hard for humans though? So much of life is struggles and pain and suffering- some ask if it’s even worth it. You could’ve made a perfect earth. But that would probably be boring too. You make us go through pain, anxiety, and suffering so we know how to get through the tough things the next time they happen- so we can grow- so we know what happiness truly means. Are you proud of the race you created? Or do humans just make you cry? Is this what you expected out of us? Out of me? Have I let you down or do I make you smile?

The Rehab Means Something to Me.

The rehab means something to me. It’s a place. It’s a metaphor. It’s a turning point. It represents the point between two lines in my life that are vastly different. But I’m the same me, the same Jordan. The first line includes childhood. School. Happiness. But then destruction. The destruction led to Events and Addictions that couldn’t be turned around without drastic measures. There were many attempts. Many hopes. But many failures. The failures soon led to Hopelessness and Misery. Until rehab became the only salvageable option. The image of my grandmother keeps coming to mind. She was one of my hopes and inspirations of turning my life around. All she wanted for me was happiness, which meant sobriety and a relationship with God. So, rehab. The point that changed my life around. Made me able to stop the Destruction, especially the Self Destruction. Gave me back my hope and courage. Led me to where I am in my life now. On a Spiritual Journey, going through Personal Growth every day that I never knew could be imagineable. Now I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Hope, Faith, Courage. My Grandma must be looking down on me with tears of joy rolling down her rosy cheek, which makes me smile and tear up as well. I have so much potential. The world is at my hands and feet. I can do anything and everything as long as I can dream and imagine it then work my ass of for it. I am so blessed not only to be alive but to be well and happy and on my way to whatever I can dream of.

Dear Grandma (poem)

Dear Grandma,

Why is the world
so cold
sometimes?

Why is it
so hard
to breathe sometimes?

Yesterday seems like
a minute ago
and tomorrow
a million miles away.

All of these
Emotions
fill up my eyes
until
I can’t see.
Fill up my chest
until
the weight becomes
unbearable.

Why can’t I find
somewhere else
to put these things?

Why do my emotions
turn to
Anger sometimes?
I used to be able
to release it
to vent it.

But that became
too unhealthy
it was killing
me.
Poisoning my body.

Now what am
I supposed to do?

Is God listening?

Does he hear my cries?

Does he feel my pain?

Can he hear when I laugh?

I know what you’d say.
He always hears.
He always listens.
Now I just
need to listen for him.

 

Love you grandma ❤

Good Night with Good People x2

good

 

Awesome night with awesome people, actually. A bunch of friends from work and I got together last night, starting off with dinner at Outback Steakhouse then off to Fox and Hound for some drinks. I couldn’t have asked for a better night.

Amanda, whom I worked with, my newly really good friend, is leaving today for Pueblo. She brought all of us girls together. I couldn’t thank her enough for what she’s done for us. If it wasn’t for her, all of us working friends wouldn’t be getting together for some fun. I know that after she leaves, us “oldnavyers” will continue to get together, hang out, talk, and have fun. And we are going to plan on a slumber party sometime down in Pueblo with Amanda.

Amanda wrote us all individualized letters. This is what she wrote for me:

“I know you feel like we didn’t get to know each other until the end but I feel a little different. We have always had an unspeakable bond. You remind me a lot of myself lol and thats what I love about you. You and I have talked about more of the seriousness of life. You have such an amazing soul and I know you are going to do something great in life! I truly believe that God brought us together when we went to dinner… it was the right moment at the right time. I feel so lucky to have met such a wonderful person. I know you will find your way and like a great person once said, “Everything is going to be ok”

I’m crying as I retype this letter she wrote, just like I did when I first read it. I’m so blessed to have met a person that accepts me, loves me, and would do anything for me. So here’s my letter to you Amanda:

Amanda,
I thank you so much for everything you and Jordan have done for me. When I met you at Old Navy, I didn’t really know what to think because you LOD’d for like a day and the rest you were just sharing all of us associates in our rants about being at work 🙂 I feel so blessed to have you in my life. You knew what I was going through, but you didn’t push it. You could tell when I was emotional at work, and you supported me in any way possible. I’m sad that you’re leaving, but I know that this is God’s plan for you. I will miss you terribly, but we can still stay in touch and do visits. Thank you again for accepting me, loving me, and bringing us Old Navy girls together. You are amazing, and I can tell you have more amazingness coming to you in life, along with your amazing husband. I know i’ve used the word “amazing” a lot, but that’s really what it is.
I love you,
Jordan Faust 🙂

good 2  good 3

Good Night with Good People

Some girlfriends from work and I have been trying to get together and get dinner or drinks to talk and hang out. Yesterday we were supposed to meet at Elephant Bar, but I ended up not being able to because of arrangements I forgot about. They didn’t meet up either, but tonight Amanda and I decided to go to Chili’s after work to eat and catch up with her husband, Jordan.

After I got home from this dinner, I felt so blessed. They are both amazing, beautiful people inside and out. I felt like it was a “God” thing. Jordan has been working for Chili’s and is moving up to be a manager in Colorado Springs, so they are moving this Tuesday. That’s why I wanted to get together with Amanda before she left town. We were talking about work, life, money, everything. I told them my story with school, and how much I want and need to live on my own and be independent. I mentioned  that I have been working for Old Navy for 6 years now, and it seemed to flabbergast them. They told me that working at Chili’s and being a server would definitely take me out of my comfort zone, but it could be just the change I need in my life right now that could bring in the money I need to do what I want.

Jordan went and talked to one of the managers who said they are in need of servers, and he put in a good word for me. He told me to go in on Monday to meet with another manager, I think the GM or something. I’m going to go in and introduce myself and talk about the position before I apply online, pretty much putting a face to the name. I feel so lucky that I have these people, who I didn’t really know, to help and support me in times of need.

I also feel like this is such a good sign from God. Amanda told me that her grandma would always tell her, “Everything’s going to be okay.” That’s what my grandma would say to me, every time I talked to her. I  need this change. Maybe it was a good thing I couldn’t meet with the girls yesterday. We’re all supposed to get together on Monday, but this more intimate get-together with Amanda and her husband was definitely a meant-to-be sign. I will definitely miss her when she moves to the Springs, but we will find times to hang out.

So here’s to a new Adventure in my life 🙂

adventure

Funeral

Pats Picture

I didn’t think I’d have the strength to write this post, but today I’ve had many mixed emotions. I feel like it would be good for me to write out what happened.

Yesterday was my grandma, Patricia Dewey’s, funeral. It was an absolutely beautiful service. It was at Fairmount Mortuary, which she worked at for 18 years before she retired to spend more time with me and my younger brother, Ryan.

On the handout, the picture above is on the front cover, and it says “Celebrating the Life of Patricia Ann Dewey” February 26, 1940-April 3, 2013.

The service started at 11 am with bagpipes performing “Amazing Grace.” This alone brought tears to my eyes. I always loved the sound of bagpipes, and I know my grandma did too.

Pastor Ray Cook did most of the service, with the welcome, prayer, message of hope, and benediction. Our family is immensely blessed to have him be there with us and to do this service. He knew my great grandma, and my grandma extremely well. He was their favorite. He would visit their home just to make sure they were doing alright, and he prayed over both of them on their deathbed. I can’t describe how important he is to our family and how thankful I am for him helping out so much.

After Ray’s introduction, my mom and I went up to the microphone to read a scripture. Mom went first and read out of Proverbs. I read out of Proverbs as well. I told everyone that I had been studying Proverbs, and that in this book of the bible “Wisdom” is referred to a lot as a “She” or woman figure. I thought that my grandma was this womanly, wisdomly figure This is the verse I read:

“I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold; what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness, along the paths of justice,
bestowing a rich inheritance on those who love me and making their treasuries full.
The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works, before his deeds of old;
I was formed long ages ago, at the very beginning, when the world came to be.
When there were no watery depths, I was given birth, when there were no springs overflowing with water;
before the mountains were settled in place, before the hills, I was given birth,
before he made the world or its fields or any of the dust of the earth.
I was there when he set the heavens in place, when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was constantly at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world and delighting in mankind.

Now then, my children, listen to me; blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it.
Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.
For those who find me find life and receive favor from the Lord”

Proverbs 8:17-35

I don’t know exactly why this verse spoke to me, or why I was driven to speak it at the funeral, but I always remember my grandma being so wise and full of Jesus’ love. Whenever I had a problem, she said that I could crawl up in His lap. If I ever did something bad, she said that she may not like what I’m doing, but she would always love me, and to never do anything to make God cry. I know I’ve made God cry with some of my past actions. And I have a legacy to fill. With both my grandma and G.G. being wise women of the lord, I don’t want anything less than to make them proud. I want it for myself too.

Anyways, as the service at the funeral moved on, Dave Lemieux sang “How Great Thou Art” and “I Can Only Imagine” while playing the piano. Wow, his voice really shook up the place. I was hit once again by the words of these wise men singing about the Lord, and about how great he is, and about heaven.

During the open microphone, some people went up just to talk about how much of an inspiration Grandma was to them, and how she always had humor to make them feel comfortable. They also played the song, “Spirit in the Sky” that was in the “Remember the Titans” soundtrack, which was pretty awesome. I could just imagine grandma dancing to that song..

After the service, we drove our cars the the burial site. Ryan, my brother was with me as I drove behind Pastor Ray who was behind my dad and mom. We exited our cars, and we heard more Bagpipes playing, bringing more tears to my eyes. My brother and father were Pallbearers, so they carried her casket to the grave-site. It was cold and windy, but Ray continued with his prayers and all the family and friends were behind, in prayer, and in peace as he asked us to remember our most happy memory with her.

My happy memory was when she officially retired, and I was about 8. She took me to the “Aquarium,” which had a different name back then. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but it was for me because she left her workplace to spend more time with me and Ryan. And she did. And I miss her so much. I have 2 holes missing from my heart. We used to have 5 generations. I was most used to 4. But now it’s down to 2, within a year pretty much. I love my mom, and I know she needs support too. She was raised by these women.

What’s next? I don’t know. Time will tell. But here’s a picture of us 4 generations. Strong, loving women.

4 generations picture

Journal Entry: Hospice Day 3

She’s in a lot of pain, and moving around, agitated. She’s talked a little bit. She has weird chunks in her mouth. She has swelling in her hand. “Will you take it off please” is the clearest thing I’ve heard her say tonight, regarding her broken shoulder/arm on the pillow. “Help me, Hurry,” is what she’s saying. She just asked for water.

Maybe I should blog about it. Maybe people will have some words of wisdom or advice. Maybe it would be nice to share my story. It’s a hard story to tell. It’s a hard story to live. I don’t know how to describe it, how I lost G.G. (Great Grandma) one year ago, and now I’m losing my grandma. In the worst way imaginable. Maybe I should keep it to myself for a while.

I just don’t know what to do. I need something to keep me busy while I’m here. Maybe read, write some more. But write about what?

Dear Grandma,

Soon, you will find the sunlight over those rocky hills. All of your pain will be dissolved into the brisk air. You will feel the warmth of God’s breath on your forehead. You will have the relief to take a full, deep breath again.

I wish I could take all of your pain, and put it into me instead. You always took care of me. You always knew what to say when I came to you for advice. I know I was stubborn sometimes, and didn’t visit you enough, and I wish I could take it back.

You gave me your car, the ’93 Subaru Legacy when I was 16. I still have childhood memories of you taking me to pre-school in that car, always having a sucker for me in the glove box when you picked me up.

You are an example to live by. You changed so many people’s lives. You accepted everybody, no matter their race, religion, ethnicity, socio-economic status- and you always had humor and kind words to cheer someone up.

I accept your departure from this earth, into the other realm. I can only Imagine. What it will be like to meet Jesus. And your mother, brother, father, grandfather.

I will be okay. We will be okay. I just don’t want to see you suffer anymore.

I know where you are going, and I know that you will be with me always and forever. Give a big kiss to G.G. for me.

Love,

Jordy