Getting Right

In attempts to avoid folding within myself
I sit numbly
Your possible rejection of me
Collides into a forgotten, yet nostalgic fear
Creating unforgotten insecurities
Memories of the past start flooding in
But the boulders are too high and sharp
The lack of words become deafening
I just want to cover my ears
And cry out of relief
Over holding in the washed up emotions
That I tried so hard to flee from
Spending countless days and hours
Looking in and Distracting from myself
Getting over someone, and
Getting right with me.

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10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the fact

that you live right above me,

it means that I

can hear almost every move you make.

I hate how you

designate yourself as the rule maker,

establishing how we can act and how often we can see each other.

I hate the way

I go along with these rules,

just here for the ride with no questions asked.

I hate the way

you get to me,

constantly clinging to the cells inside my brain.

I hate how you

make me feel tingly all over,

sometimes good, sometimes bad,

but most of all when I can’t distinguish from the two.

I hate the fact

that I can’t stop thinking about you,

feeling you, sensing your presence all around me.

I hate how

when I get mad at you,

I can’t help but getting over it just like that.

I hate the way

I love you so,

helplessly, hopelessly, relentlessly so.

I hate the

things I say sometimes,

because I really don’t mean them, not at all.

I hate how

I can’t keep hating you,

sometimes I wish I could, but really I’m glad I can’t.

 

 

Hope

Withering discontent
forcibly choose to sit in this room
Monsters, Thieves, Liars, Cheats
myself included
most of all.
These broken thoughts
irreparable
but can’t put that liquidy Devil
down my desperate throat again.
We applaud
the surrendered and the scared
newcomers that sit awkwardly
in their chairs
darty eyes
slithery sweaty skin
insides at war against the brain
feelings all too familiar
as I sit I feel their pain.
I go through the same ride
every morning noon and night.

Now the difference is
I have to trudge
against the salty tidal waves
without you by
my side
due to my deliberately
manufactured misery.
Putting myself in situations
that God tells me no.
I know it’s for the better
I know he means the best
but my thoughts go
straight to places
that send jolts to my chest.

Why is it so hard to hear you
happy?
You’re doing good, celebrating,
loving without me
I can’t control this situation, I
can’t control this pain.
It’s something i’ll have
to endure
until things make sense
in my brain.
Oh power, greater than myself,
Where are you?
I can feel you sometimes
when you seem to fill me
with your strength, but
why can’t that
last forever?
When things don’t go
my way
I want to kick and scream
until I find a way
But this time is
different.
My way will not happen
no matter how much
I scream your name
you haunt me in my
dreams
a phantom lurking
outside the window
your voice, it stirs
inside my head
summoning emotions
that give me hope again.

But the truth,
the reality is
I’m as raw as I’ve
ever been
and to hold on to hope,
is to hold on to death,
I can’t even
call you my friend.

Dear Grandma (poem)

Dear Grandma,

Why is the world
so cold
sometimes?

Why is it
so hard
to breathe sometimes?

Yesterday seems like
a minute ago
and tomorrow
a million miles away.

All of these
Emotions
fill up my eyes
until
I can’t see.
Fill up my chest
until
the weight becomes
unbearable.

Why can’t I find
somewhere else
to put these things?

Why do my emotions
turn to
Anger sometimes?
I used to be able
to release it
to vent it.

But that became
too unhealthy
it was killing
me.
Poisoning my body.

Now what am
I supposed to do?

Is God listening?

Does he hear my cries?

Does he feel my pain?

Can he hear when I laugh?

I know what you’d say.
He always hears.
He always listens.
Now I just
need to listen for him.

 

Love you grandma ❤