Little Fixes

Center of the day begins to unfold

Already gone through the marshes and mixes

Alive & full,

Lick our lipses

Do what we can to get our fixes

Skin as oily

as Honeydew

You caught me in a full-on looptiloo

My Journey…

So, I don’t really know who reads this… I don’t advertise this site/blog to barely any of my friends, it seems to intimate for that. But I feel comfortable with the blogging community, maybe because they don’t know me on a personal level. Sometimes it’s easier to share with strangers and fellow writers. And there’s just some things I need to get out/explain. I have not posted anything here for literally 18 months. Why, you ask? I was in an 18 month structured therapeutic community for addiction and alcohol dependency. I went without social media literally for a year and a half. It wasn’t allowed- no facebook, no email, no nothing online.

Now I’m back, and getting online now is almost overwhelming. I want to get back into reading and writing… It’s my passion, it’s who I am… While I was gone it seemed like a lot of my passion and motivation for this creativity dissipated. I did a lot of work on myself, though. Picking back up on this has been a little more difficult than I foresaw. A lot of what I used to write was inspired by fear, hurt, shame, loss…. I feel that when I tap back into that, my creativity flows easier and smoother; it’s more profound. But I also want to be inspired to write when I’m happy, feeling blessed and excited.

I’m still on a journey of finding myself… What do I want? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Right now I’m just going through the motions… making sure I stay sober, making sure my maladaptive thoughts don’t get in my way, making sure I have my priorities right… What a crazy, unexpected, long, and amazing journey this has been and will continue to be.

Getting Right

In attempts to avoid folding within myself
I sit numbly
Your possible rejection of me
Collides into a forgotten, yet nostalgic fear
Creating unforgotten insecurities
Memories of the past start flooding in
But the boulders are too high and sharp
The lack of words become deafening
I just want to cover my ears
And cry out of relief
Over holding in the washed up emotions
That I tried so hard to flee from
Spending countless days and hours
Looking in and Distracting from myself
Getting over someone, and
Getting right with me.

Validation

 

With grace
I see you pace
throughout the corridor,
concern lavished upon your face.
But it always comes back to me
and I get curious, what is it in you
that I see? That draws you to me?
At the end I understand it’s my
desperation
But in the beginning it feels like
magical procession.
It’s insights like these, I’d rather keep to myself,
frustrations rooted in
lack of respect for self,
kinder words for the reality-
a putrid, decaying necessity
of external validation,
your hands on me,
telling me everything’s ok.

j.f.

Written on 10.2.15

6th & Lincoln

Giant moving monsters
Red, White, Silver, Gold.
Other vehicles
of souls,
walk around, pedestrian-like
Some with signs
made of cut-up boxes,
box lettering etched
into the cardboard.
Pleas of help
in the form of money.

Humankind
Both
Is what it says.
Human. and Kind.
Humankind.
We’re all here,
sharing this world,
this planet,
this ground.
He hands her
a bag of food.
We’re all the same,
me and you,
him and her.
We come from
the same place,
the same space,
born into the same world.
But we’ve forgotten.

We’ve become careless,
ignorant, impatient.
Do you ever
stop- cease
what you’re doing
every once in a while
and look-
just notice-
what’s happening around you?
Do you ever appreciate it?
Laugh at it?
Cry at it?
Just be in it,
apart of it.
You already are,
sometimes it just
takes recognition,
and the world
becomes a more
beautiful place.
Your problems seem
a little less
significant
when compared
to the bigger scheme of things.

It makes me smile.

Something

“Stream-of-consciousness writing a la Jack Kerouac is a meditation tool. Writing about regrets over the past or fears of the future, no.”

Feelings hypnotize unsatisfied ruler of my brain. Please don’t come down here there is really something wrong with my brain. Today, at least. Well, most days. Unconventional, unacceptable as “normal” let me apologize now before you decide to run away. Sometimes I wish I could run away, take a vacation and escape from the pounding confusion, lifting the fog that’s in my head. I used to be afraid to showcase these things, people wouldn’t understand. But still face to face I have to pretend that I belong in this world with these socially acceptable behaviors. I really have no idea what to do.

Haircut

I had a dream. I stole a bunch of money from grandma. Mom found it. I gave it back, but still kept some. Leigh drove back to get it.
Cut.
I want a haircut. Bad.
I’m at the Peakview house with mom
She knew I wanted to steal pills.
She had a new Louise Vuitton purse.
I asked if she would buy me a haircut,
She said no.
And I was confused.
because she had a new thousand dollar purse.
There was something evil in the house.
I tried to board it up,
make it go away.
It gave me chills.
We left and saw a hair dresser,
but it was late.
She said my hair was too long
I could only be comfortable
if I put it up.

Awkward

Silence stills me-

us-

sharing the same space,

in the same room.

Unknowing of what

to say, he pulls out his

device which connects

him to the technological outside

world. A connection that

makes more sense

than what’s going on in this room.

Something to fill his mind,

something to take his time,

something to allow him to rewind.

 

Surrounded by the awkward,

the silence,

I could mutter a sound-

to break the confusion.

Instead I give him

his own satisfaction-

and start staring at my

screen-

and write.

The only thing that

makes sense to me.

Color Line

Fresh start
New day
Blue skies
What’s the date?
So much to do
Where is the time
I’m ready now
Call the color line

The color’s peach
Makes no sense
My fruit is called
Need to go
Pee in a cup
In front of whatshername
Say it isn’t so.

Fire Agate

Don’t fail me

now,

my stone of wonders-

this time is different.

I feel

stronger, but love

I can’t escape,

nor do I want to,

no matter how

viciously it sucks

the life out of me-

a vampire at twilight

who craves a

victim-

but life it gives

me, those rare moments

that seem to last

a lifetime and

seem to be the life

that i’d always

been looking for.

Binaries control

my path-

two choices of complete

opposition suddenly

arise, and I

must do something-

or let it bleed me

and do nothing at all.