Something

“Stream-of-consciousness writing a la Jack Kerouac is a meditation tool. Writing about regrets over the past or fears of the future, no.”

Feelings hypnotize unsatisfied ruler of my brain. Please don’t come down here there is really something wrong with my brain. Today, at least. Well, most days. Unconventional, unacceptable as “normal” let me apologize now before you decide to run away. Sometimes I wish I could run away, take a vacation and escape from the pounding confusion, lifting the fog that’s in my head. I used to be afraid to showcase these things, people wouldn’t understand. But still face to face I have to pretend that I belong in this world with these socially acceptable behaviors. I really have no idea what to do.

Haircut

I had a dream. I stole a bunch of money from grandma. Mom found it. I gave it back, but still kept some. Leigh drove back to get it.
Cut.
I want a haircut. Bad.
I’m at the Peakview house with mom
She knew I wanted to steal pills.
She had a new Louise Vuitton purse.
I asked if she would buy me a haircut,
She said no.
And I was confused.
because she had a new thousand dollar purse.
There was something evil in the house.
I tried to board it up,
make it go away.
It gave me chills.
We left and saw a hair dresser,
but it was late.
She said my hair was too long
I could only be comfortable
if I put it up.

Guidance

A compilation of texts I’ve received from a certain Spiritual Guide

 

“Having lived long, I have learned that not one thing is true– it’s all true.” Ernest Hemingway.

“No thought, no reflection, no analysis, no cultivation, no intention; let it settle itself.” Tilopa

Meditation is bearing witness to thoughts as they arise like bubbles from the bottom of a pond. Don’t add to the thoughts, just watch them rise, burst, and vanish. Eventually they stop rising.

In your desirelessness lies your only fulfillment.

“In your complete helplessness suddenly the whole Existence moves to help you” -Osho

Hope is desire for things to be other than they are. Without hope you deal with reality.

Pessimism is expectation of the worst. This is no expectation and no preferences.  Nothing is better or worse.

You are all neutral, accepting all.

The admission of confusion is the beginning of enlightenment.

In your hopelessness lies your only hope.

If you have no desires you are fulfilled.

Helpless, you are not striving, but moving with existence.

Let it be.

Expression

It’s weird how words express our feelings.
Sometimes words can’t do this.
I was looking at a tree today.
I’m not sure what kind.
A tree with green leaves.
Really tall and overpowering.
What I thought of was,
I’ve never really appreciated this tree.
Or trees in general, in a really long time.
“Appreciate” being the key word.
That’s the closest word I could come to the emotions that I felt.
But it was more than appreciation.
It was love, it was sad, it was happy,
It was… Confusing.
I moved to an apartment
In an area where I don’t see trees
that often.
But I used to live by trees and see
trees all the time.
But i didn’t appreciate them.
I didn’t miss them
Until I went to my parents’ house,
the house I used to live.
I saw the tree, and I saw the life
that  I forgot about.
Maybe not forgot, just never
noticed.

Purple Pen

Purple pen

Cursive handwriting

Voices

Laughter

Sadness

Joy

Binaries

Are what life is made of. Not too much in between. Completely addicted.

Or utterly sober.

Joyously happy & content

Or gray skys sad

Too much energy to sit down

Not enough energy to think

Hot as balls

Or cold as the titanic.

When will we be able to find something in the middle?

They made me take a medication to put me in the middle. Don’t know if it works. Because sometimes I don’t have any emotions at all. I’d be content with staring at the wall.

Tough Day

So, my phone completely broke the other night. I hate Iphones. Ughh. It just simply wouldn’t turn on, even on the charger.

So today I realized I could use my dad’s old, pretty crappy phone (no t9!?) and put my sim card in there. My contacts of course weren’t converted with my luck.

I was looking through my mom’s numbers of the family to put in my phone, and I passed my her number. “Mom cell” and Mom home” were what they were titled. My grandma. Usually when I put my grandmas in my phone, there’s Gma home and cell, and Gma Faust. 2 grandmas. This realization really hit me hard. Emotions totally come and go, and this was definitely very emotional for me.

But, I need to be especially grateful for the Grandma that I still have. She’s 93, but healthy as can be. Still lives at home on her own, drives, and even golfs sometimes. I got a message from her during the time my phone was off, asking me to come by and help her with a puzzle. That put a tear in my eye, and made me so grateful that I have a wonderful, wise, lovely lady grandma in my life that I can spend time with. Meanwhile, Gma Dewey is looking down at me from above, and is with me at all times.

clouds

Obituary

Patricia Ann Dewey, 73, of Aurora, Colorado, passed away on April 3, 2013. The funeral service will be held at Fairmount Mortuary at 430 South Quebec Street on Wednesday, April 10 at 11:00. Pastor Ray Cook of Colorado Community Church will be officiating. Viewing will be held at Fairmount Mortuary on Tuesday, April 9 from 12:00 to 4:00 pm. Burial will follow the funeral at Fairmount Mortuary.

 
Patricia was born in Tucson, Arizona on February 26, 1940 to Joseph and Edith Wilson. She graduated from Whittier High School, and continued on to receive an Accounting degree from Metro State in Colorado. Patricia had one brother, Richard, who proceeded her in death in 2006. Karen, Patricia’s daughter, was born in La Mirada, California on March 3, 1966.

 
In 1972, Patricia and her family moved to Colorado. She worked as a Controller for Fairmount Mortuary for 18 years. She enjoyed playing golf, camping, and painting. Patricia was also actively involved in Eastern Star.  Patricia is survived by her daughter and son in law, Karen and John Faust, as well as two grandchildren, Jordan and Ryan Faust. She is also survived by two nieces, Jamie and Jodi Wilson. Patricia was very active in her church no matter where she lived. Patricia’s kindness, generosity, joy, love, and humor touched everyone she knew, and will be greatly missed by her family and friends.

 

The Reception will be held at Colorado Community Church following  the funeral services. Address can be found below.

 
In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions in Patricia’s honor may be made to:
Colorado Community Church
Deacons Fund
2220 S Chambers Road
Aurora Colorado 80014
(Please write “Patricia Dewey Memorial”
in the memo line of your check)
Or
The Denver Hospice
501 S Cherry Street – Suite 700
Denver Colorado 80246

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Passed…

She passed today around 12:30pm.

The lingering is over.

She’s in her eternal home.

Thank you for all your support in this difficult time.

“Whatever we focus on, we give power to. “Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.” [Colossians 3:2] Take your eyes off the negative and you will dis-empower it. If you are wounded and offended, it proves your old nature is still alive. The best way to keep it dead is to live in the new nature of ‘Christ in you, the hope of glory’.”

God Bless,

Jordan

Above and Beyond

This artist has been keeping me sane and relaxed during these tough times. This music is mostly “house” music, a type of techno, but it’s really soothing too. This is an example of one of their more soothing songs. It’s called, “Sun In Your Eyes.” Enjoy.  

Random Thoughts

Do you ever wonder…

what you would

become

if you

did

not blog

did not tweet

did not facebook?

What if…

thoughts,

your stream

of conscious,

could be made

visible, online, for

all to see? Would you

be embarrassed? Or

embrace it? Do

our thoughts

really,

truly,

belong

to ourselves

anymore? What

is writing becoming?

What is writing?

What are

your

thoughts?