No Longer

Do you think you can hurt me still? I’m not going to let you. Do you think I’m going to continue to let this shit phase me? Well I’m not. Maybe the old me would, but I don’t give two shits about what they say behind my back. What you say behind my back. You think your ignoring me scares me? That playing games with my head is okay? That’s fine, keep going, it will only make me stronger in the end. I have already accepted what I should have realized long before… this meant nothing to you. I was safe to you, your security blanket. Maybe you stayed with me this long out of obligation. You see, that doesn’t work for me. Your deception and manipulation can no longer be a tool against me, I will not be brought down to your level now or ever. I deserve to be someone’s everything. I deserve honesty, not humiliation. I will have fire and passion, and love that’s returned, equally. I will be someone’s heart, even if that means breaking my own. Don’t worry, I won’t call you, I won’t fall for your mind tricks any more. I won’t be the first to break this time. I didn’t want this. I wanted us to be okay, to be mutual, to be civil. Especially with the close proximity we must be around each other. I tried, probably too hard, to make it right, so don’t get all butt hurt when it doesn’t work out your way.  The last time we spoke, you said we’d be friends. We’d be happy for each other and supportive as well. The next day, you act like I have a bug on my face. You heard things about me, and changed your mind I suppose. Yeah this hurt for a bit, knowing that someone who called me their soul mate could be as cold as this, but I think I’m getting used to it by now. No longer will I let you hurt me, no longer will I let you rent space for free in my head. I am detaching myself emotionally, letting myself move on, can’t think about the past, only about a future of bettering myself. Maybe I owe you a thanks for showing me how. How to let go, how to move on, and the need to love myself first. I hope you do the same, I don’t wish ill upon you, even though I think I deserve to have hatred towards you. You see, I didn’t grow up that way. Maybe I should have grown thicker skin earlier, but where I come from you don’t treat people you say ‘I love you’ with such malice and disgrace. Sometimes it makes me sick just thinking about it, how I fell for it all over again. But this time will be different, this time I won’t budge and go back with false hopes to have my heart hammered bloody all over again.

Advertisements

Dear God…

Someone asked me… Write down a question that you would ask God if you could. And write about it for 5 minutes.

Why did you make humans? What was your purpose?

I’ve heard many theories on the meaning of life, or our purpose I guess. I think for you it’s to Glorify you, help others, and walk in your path… But is that really the meaning? Why did you create us- These beings that can cause so much hurt and hate and evil… But also good. Were you bored? Did you do it simply to see if you could? Were you lonely? Did you need someone to talk to, relate to, to philosophize with? Why did you make this life so hard for humans though? So much of life is struggles and pain and suffering- some ask if it’s even worth it. You could’ve made a perfect earth. But that would probably be boring too. You make us go through pain, anxiety, and suffering so we know how to get through the tough things the next time they happen- so we can grow- so we know what happiness truly means. Are you proud of the race you created? Or do humans just make you cry? Is this what you expected out of us? Out of me? Have I let you down or do I make you smile?

Dear Grandma, [7/30/13]

I am so sorry. I’ve made you so many promises. That I’d stop drinking. That I’d finish school. You even told me that you’d wait to die until after I finished my first book. You haven’t been able to see these things when you were alive, but I will make sure they still happen. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford school without being in debt. It’s because of you that I’m able to afford this treatment. And you don’t know how grateful I am for that. You are the inspiration for my first book. You’ve given me so many ideas, wisdom, and help regarding anything that i’d ask for. I’m sorry I didn’t see you as much these past few years. All of my priorities went out the window, including the people I love. I love you so much and miss you so much. I don’t think I was able to grieve before, and now I can. But it’s all happy things that I remember about you. Like when you retired to spend more time with me and Ryan. And you took me to the Aquarium. And you taking me to art classes. I wish I did more art with you. But you loved my writing. And I could always go to your house when I wanted to get away from home. We would watch movies and talk about life, and you even started teaching me how to cook.

I feel bad that I didn’t go to your house after you passed to go through the stuff that I wanted. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now if I could go back I’d get your recipes and more of your artwork.

You were always so happy and filled with joy. Maybe a little frustrated at times when you couldn’t get around as easily. But I will always remember your big smile and how accepting you were of people no matter what. And when you took me on the cruise to Hawaii for my high school graduation present. That day on Honolei Bay was the best day of my life. Being in the ocean, seeing the mountains, and eating snow cones.

It’s hard to think about this life without you. But I can do this. I have to remember that it’s ok to be in tune with my inner child like you taught me, and to not be so serious all the time. It’s hard. Life is hard. But it’s during these times that we learn the most. I love you so much. Thank you, Grandma.