Color Line

Fresh start
New day
Blue skies
What’s the date?
So much to do
Where is the time
I’m ready now
Call the color line

The color’s peach
Makes no sense
My fruit is called
Need to go
Pee in a cup
In front of whatshername
Say it isn’t so.

Fire Agate

Don’t fail me

now,

my stone of wonders-

this time is different.

I feel

stronger, but love

I can’t escape,

nor do I want to,

no matter how

viciously it sucks

the life out of me-

a vampire at twilight

who craves a

victim-

but life it gives

me, those rare moments

that seem to last

a lifetime and

seem to be the life

that i’d always

been looking for.

Binaries control

my path-

two choices of complete

opposition suddenly

arise, and I

must do something-

or let it bleed me

and do nothing at all.

 

Guidance

A compilation of texts I’ve received from a certain Spiritual Guide

 

“Having lived long, I have learned that not one thing is true– it’s all true.” Ernest Hemingway.

“No thought, no reflection, no analysis, no cultivation, no intention; let it settle itself.” Tilopa

Meditation is bearing witness to thoughts as they arise like bubbles from the bottom of a pond. Don’t add to the thoughts, just watch them rise, burst, and vanish. Eventually they stop rising.

In your desirelessness lies your only fulfillment.

“In your complete helplessness suddenly the whole Existence moves to help you” -Osho

Hope is desire for things to be other than they are. Without hope you deal with reality.

Pessimism is expectation of the worst. This is no expectation and no preferences.  Nothing is better or worse.

You are all neutral, accepting all.

The admission of confusion is the beginning of enlightenment.

In your hopelessness lies your only hope.

If you have no desires you are fulfilled.

Helpless, you are not striving, but moving with existence.

Let it be.

Night Crawlers

She sat

afraid

yet trying to ignore

the

impending darkness.

There used

to be a time

when sleep was fine,

there were no

mysterious entities

doomed to enter

into her brain.

So she remains

awoken in

this simulated state

of human consciousness

in order to avoid

the realities

of the subconscious

thoughts

and desires,

unknown night critters that

crawl around

unannounced.

By day

the bed is her

friend,

by night her

enemy,

not knowing

if there will be someone else,

that certain someone,

to lay next to her tonight

to protect her from

the monsters

that dwell inside

her closet and

under the bed–

phantoms only to creep out

and prey

when there is no comfort

of sunlight.

 

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the fact

that you live right above me,

it means that I

can hear almost every move you make.

I hate how you

designate yourself as the rule maker,

establishing how we can act and how often we can see each other.

I hate the way

I go along with these rules,

just here for the ride with no questions asked.

I hate the way

you get to me,

constantly clinging to the cells inside my brain.

I hate how you

make me feel tingly all over,

sometimes good, sometimes bad,

but most of all when I can’t distinguish from the two.

I hate the fact

that I can’t stop thinking about you,

feeling you, sensing your presence all around me.

I hate how

when I get mad at you,

I can’t help but getting over it just like that.

I hate the way

I love you so,

helplessly, hopelessly, relentlessly so.

I hate the

things I say sometimes,

because I really don’t mean them, not at all.

I hate how

I can’t keep hating you,

sometimes I wish I could, but really I’m glad I can’t.

 

 

Starbucks

Green walls

little tables and chairs

This is where you go

to escape the

Real World and

pretend your a hipster

or a student

or a writer

or a business associate.

People staring idly

at their lap tops

People reading and studying

their text books.

All in their own

little worlds

Within the mini

universe of Starbucks.

Do they go here

for the coffee?

Maybe.

Do they go here

for the atmosphere?

Probably.

The majority of

them come here

to escape

their realities.

Their daily

monotonies.

A little break from

life as we know it.

Home is too quiet

and lonely.

Just being around

people is okay,

you don’t have to

talk to them.

A perfect little world

in the middle of

Chaos everywhere else.

War. Politicians. Gangs.

Drugs. Violence and death.

When you come

here,

you don’t have to

experience any of

that. Unless you

read the newspaper,

of course.

A simulation of

Perfection

to keep yourself

Ignorant

Even though

deep down

you really know,

you just don’t want to

acknowledge it.

Plans

I was going to… “told” I was going to be a straight A student. I was going to go to college, graduate, and have an excellent, fulfilling and good paying career. I was going to find a nice, young, good looking christian man, my prince to marry and lose my virginity to and have babies. I was going to be a fashion designer, I was going to be an Olympic Ice Skater. I was going to be a famous author. I was going to travel the world, be fluent in Spanish, and backpack around Europe. I was going to space. I was going to be a violinist. I was going to be in a band. I was going to change the world. I was going to live the American Dream. I was told I could do anything I put my mind to, that I would just have to believe it, and it would just somehow ‘happen.’ Out of no where. I don’t know, maybe that’s why I never went anywhere, because I just waited for things to happen magically without actually doing. What did I expect it to be? I. Love. D. I don’t know what I expected it to be. It just happened so fast. A feeling I’d never felt before. Maybe I expected more, but deep down I knew it wouldn’t be forever. I did expect it to last longer than it did. But in hindsight, I’m glad it didn’t.
But I didn’t… I didn’t plan for him to find another girl so fast. I didn’t plan on him breaking my heart in half. I didn’t plan on dropping out of college through this. And turning to chemicals to numb myself and be able to fall asleep. I didn’t plan on moving out of my best friends’s. I didn’t plan on getting so emotionally involved that I couldn’t think about anything else, do anything else. It still takes up a lot of my ind, 2 years later, almost like an obsession. Especially with what I’m going through currently. I wish it didn’t happen at all sometimes. That I never met him. That my mom didn’t take me to that party that night. I didn’t plan on falling in love with him, to let my whole being, revolve around him. For him to end up fucking her. Marrying her. Having twins with her. Leaving me in the dust. It makes me sick writing about it. I literally vomited the first time he told me about it. I knew something was up, too. And I was all the way in Fort Collins, at my cousin’s house whom  I barely knew because I “had” to move out of my place. It made me physically ill. Shaking uncontrollably. Why did I still talk to him? I didn’t plan on still being attached to him.

Expression

It’s weird how words express our feelings.
Sometimes words can’t do this.
I was looking at a tree today.
I’m not sure what kind.
A tree with green leaves.
Really tall and overpowering.
What I thought of was,
I’ve never really appreciated this tree.
Or trees in general, in a really long time.
“Appreciate” being the key word.
That’s the closest word I could come to the emotions that I felt.
But it was more than appreciation.
It was love, it was sad, it was happy,
It was… Confusing.
I moved to an apartment
In an area where I don’t see trees
that often.
But I used to live by trees and see
trees all the time.
But i didn’t appreciate them.
I didn’t miss them
Until I went to my parents’ house,
the house I used to live.
I saw the tree, and I saw the life
that  I forgot about.
Maybe not forgot, just never
noticed.

No Longer

Do you think you can hurt me still? I’m not going to let you. Do you think I’m going to continue to let this shit phase me? Well I’m not. Maybe the old me would, but I don’t give two shits about what they say behind my back. What you say behind my back. You think your ignoring me scares me? That playing games with my head is okay? That’s fine, keep going, it will only make me stronger in the end. I have already accepted what I should have realized long before… this meant nothing to you. I was safe to you, your security blanket. Maybe you stayed with me this long out of obligation. You see, that doesn’t work for me. Your deception and manipulation can no longer be a tool against me, I will not be brought down to your level now or ever. I deserve to be someone’s everything. I deserve honesty, not humiliation. I will have fire and passion, and love that’s returned, equally. I will be someone’s heart, even if that means breaking my own. Don’t worry, I won’t call you, I won’t fall for your mind tricks any more. I won’t be the first to break this time. I didn’t want this. I wanted us to be okay, to be mutual, to be civil. Especially with the close proximity we must be around each other. I tried, probably too hard, to make it right, so don’t get all butt hurt when it doesn’t work out your way.  The last time we spoke, you said we’d be friends. We’d be happy for each other and supportive as well. The next day, you act like I have a bug on my face. You heard things about me, and changed your mind I suppose. Yeah this hurt for a bit, knowing that someone who called me their soul mate could be as cold as this, but I think I’m getting used to it by now. No longer will I let you hurt me, no longer will I let you rent space for free in my head. I am detaching myself emotionally, letting myself move on, can’t think about the past, only about a future of bettering myself. Maybe I owe you a thanks for showing me how. How to let go, how to move on, and the need to love myself first. I hope you do the same, I don’t wish ill upon you, even though I think I deserve to have hatred towards you. You see, I didn’t grow up that way. Maybe I should have grown thicker skin earlier, but where I come from you don’t treat people you say ‘I love you’ with such malice and disgrace. Sometimes it makes me sick just thinking about it, how I fell for it all over again. But this time will be different, this time I won’t budge and go back with false hopes to have my heart hammered bloody all over again.